In Loving Memory of When I Cared

Man, that's such a sweet title. Sassy, and just right for tonight. Honestly. I'd had it in my drafts, and been waiting for the perfect article to use it for. Tonight feels right.

It’s a pretty humid night, and I can hear music from my brothers' room upstairs. I can also hear the New Year’s Eve fireworks, and our dog barking his head off because of them.

My mum and aunt are getting their makeup done ahead of crossover service; my dad's gone to church already. My brothers are wiping down their sneakers, choosing hoodies and generally getting ready. I'm staying home with my grandma, and will stream service.

There's anticipation in the air. Mad anticipation.

I'm sitting down with my phone; my notes app open— and all I can think of is how much my priorities changed in 2021.

Certain things now matter, and certain things no longer do. I'd like to think this was the most striking realization about 2021, for me. Somebody must have tipped over my scale of preference.

There were so many ideas, concepts and dreams that I’d assumed would always matter to me, for life. Even people. Now they simply don’t— with absolutely no animosity. Things have just shifted. I’m different, and perhaps they’re different too.

Granted, I feel a lot of satisfaction with my current range of people, dreams and ideologies— but how much will these change in the future? How much more stretching will I have to do; what more will I have to accommodate? Will I shrink, withdraw from the things I hold dear today?

There are people I don't think twice about today (probably because I don't know jack about them), who'll end up being pivotal to my life decisions someday. There are concepts I've never even heard about, that I'll end up teaching to others tomorrow.

Isn’t that a bit of a scary thought? Nope. Not to me.

My Father’s told me a lot of stuff I’m to expect in the future; but there’s still so much He’s left in the grey. Paint-strokes adding up to a big picture that I can’t see now. ✨

Plus, I love the anticipation. I also find the slight dread delicious; the knots in my belly when I think of certain things.

How many times will my hopes be dashed this new year? How often will I trust a betrayer? By what shall I be scarred, as is often the human condition?

In a nutshell, who will Noëlla Mashim Lepdung be in 2022?

I can't wait to find out.

You know, I started 2021 with a happy new year’s voice note from my Uncle Essa, singing. He’s resting in peace now.

I started off 2021 by texting a friend I'd loved and cherished for years; we were commiting to being there for each other throughout the year. Now we don't even speak.

I had many extremely low days (I think the entire first half of the year was a hot, steaming mess) but I found a lot of good in 2021.

I started attending a church that helped me further enjoy progress and joy in the faith, made a ton of friends, shed some pandemic weight, went a full year without cutting my hair for the first time since 2014, became much bolder about the gospel and stopped being such a chameleon, learned to speak French at beginner level, learned to flow in many spiritual gifts, learned to love and receive love more gracefully, and learned what superhumans I have around me in the form of friends and family.

I also started 2021 unsure about love and all things peripheral to it, but it appears I'm ending it quite besotted with mon trésor.

It was a hard year, but it was also a good year. A six over ten.

⁽ᵁⁿˡⁱᵏᵉ ᵐᵉ⸴ ᵃ ᶜᵒᵐᵖˡᵉᵗᵉ ᵗᵉⁿ⁾